Almost Famous Paintball
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: So Cal
While this likely will not help against the ferocious Zombie Unicorn... here's a little something I've written to help against zombies.
This guide may not be useful to all of you. In truth, it will only be useful to about 2% of the world's population. "Why?", you ask... because, if this guide is relevant, it means that about 98% of the worlds population has been turned into zombies. Yes, you are right... this is a Zombie Survival Guide. Keep in mind, everything in this guide is true. Nothing about this is fictional, nothing at all.
Well, you've found it. This is good for you, because it means that the internet is still working. Well... to begin. I am going to skip all of the introductions of normal books because you do not need them to survive, you need the skills found in this book.
The first thing you need to do when deciding how to plan your defense against a zombie onslaught is to figure out what kind of zombies you are dealing with. There are two main categories of zombie. The first is the Spiritual Zombie, the second is the Scientific Zombie.
Spiritual Zombies are the work of God, Satan, Baal, or some other divine entity. You can usually tell if this is the case if the sky suddenly turns red, purple, orange, or some other unnatural color. This can be tricky in the L.A. area, as it is already unnaturally brown. You can also tell if this is the case if sudden towers of flame appear out of the ground for no apparent reason.
There are only two ways to kill a spiritual zombie. It can only be done via incineration (i.e. Molotov cocktails, flamethrower, fire, etc.) or complete destruction of the body (i.e. atom bomb, high explosives in close proximity). However... if you kill a Spiritual Zombie, it brings another factor into the equation. Did you really think that a divine being would create an implement of destruction that could be killed with the most primitive of means? OF COURSE NOT! If you kill a Spiritual Zombie, you bring Ghosts into the equation. The author has never encountered ghosts before, so the only thing he can suggest is to run. Run as fast as you can, and hope you will die of exhaustion before they suck your breath away.
The main essence of this guide is based against Scientific Zombies, and because God is the only divine being capable of raising the dead, I don't think you have to worry about any Spiritual Zombies being evil.
Scientific Zombies can be killed in almost every way possible. This is because a Scientific Zombie is simply a human that has been altered. It has just altered its appearance and such. The main causes of a Scientific Zombie outbreak are the overpowered medical corporations creating "miracle drugs". These drugs almost always create zombies. If a cure for cancer is found, don't buy it... it will probably kill you and bring you back to life in a couple minutes as a zombie.
When a medicine company gets too powerful, Umbrella Corp. for example, it creates drugs that will look nice. They will promise that it will cure cancer, or regenerate damaged tissue. They do. They do just what they promise. Of course, in a couple of weeks, twenty-eight weeks to be exact, the whole world will suddenly and mysteriously be infected with some sort of mutant strain of bacteria that kills off and zombifies most of the known world.
This brings us to another medical fact. Never, under any circumstances go into a hospital. No matter how sick you may be, never, ever, go into a hospital. Hospitals have morgues. Morgues are places where the hospital keeps corpses. Corpses, are now zombies. Don't go into hospitals. Besides, in the event of a zombie attack, most of the people in the hospitals would have died, and will become zombies themselves.
In fact, I will just list a few places to avoid in the event of a zombie outbreak. Skyscraper-office buildings, you don't want to get trapped in a skyscraper if the only ways down are a little metal box or a stairwell that will bottleneck you and your compatriots. Hospitals, see above. Construction sites, too many accidents waiting to happen. Theme parks, see construction sites. Graveyards, are you serious... you need an explanation for that? Subways, oh yeah, lets all get in a dark tunnel, underground. Of course there are many more, but those are the worst and you are pressed for time.
Here are some good places to go. Pharmacies, they contain all of your medical needs, without the zombie horde. Convenience stores, they have food, water, booze, and usually only one or two zombies on the premises. Police Stations, although you will likely have to clean out a few zombies, this is a great place to hole-up. Bass Pro Shops, they contain clothing, fish in the aquarium, usually a restaurant on the side, and guns and ammo.
Police Stations contain guns, ammo, body armor, guns, ammo, guns, guns, ammo, and guns. Also, the holding cells in police stations are great places to bunker down and hide. If the zombies find you, you will have an inch of solid steel between you and certain death.
Keep in mind, while this guide is being written, the author is assuming that you have at least a group of ten people. Five of those should have guns. Never let anyone go anywhere alone. More people die going to the bathroom alone than facing a zombie horde. No one should ever go anywhere without the presence of two armed escorts.
Here is a little suggestion of guns to carry. Try to stick with large caliber assault rifles. Yes, in California it is very hard to come across these. However, you will likely find some in the armory of a police station. Shotguns and magnum pistols such as the Desert Eagle are also useful. Try to stick away from sniper rifles though. They are not useful against the horde. Another thing to stay away from... swords. No matter how cool you think you'll look for that last girl on earth, it will only get you killed. Swords are death traps because you will probably get it stuck in a bone or some such.
Understanding zombies may be a little tricky. First, you must grasp the fact that zombies do not have any of the traits of humans save for their general appearance. Zombies have no emotions, so yelling to your family member as they try to rip your head off will not work. There is no remnant of the former person in that empty husk you call a zombie.
Zombies are very resilient to physical attacks, however, it is quite easy to kill them. When a human being is zombified, the cardiovascular system disintegrates. The veins and arteries dissolve, making the zombie, in essence, a hemophiliac. This means that you can cut or shoot a zombie and it will die almost immediately. However, for best results, you should shoot a zombie multiple times. That way it will bleed out quickly, and you won't have to worry about it later.
Another medical tip about zombies... when zombified, the bones of a zombie become very brittle, so sufficient impact will break their bones and likely incapacitate them. By the way, when I say, "sufficient," I mean, "really sufficient." You would have to hit them with a golf club or baseball bat. I good blow to the head with either of these will... do the trick.
Now, lets talk about your group of zombie killing compatriots. I had said earlier that it is a good idea to have a group of ten people, with five of them holding guns. I should also explain to you what kind of vehicle(s) to drive. Please, by all means, don't get into a convertible. Please, anything with a soft top will get you, and your hot brunette girlfriend killed. You should probably find something with high seating capacity and a low ground clearance. If you can get a bus, great, if not, one of those twelve person vans should work. However, the best thing you could get is a Stryker... but again, you need military contacts. Or... you could probably try to break into a military base.
Well, now that I've got you on the basics, I should probably tell you what your goal is. No matter what you see in those T.V. movies, there is no help. The government will not come save you in a BlackHawk from the top of a tall building. You are on your own. Your only hope is to try and find some little town in the middle of nowhere and... well... procreate. It is your job to save the world, and in about twenty years, you should have found... and made... enough troops to attack the zombie horde. You should first try to liberate the U.S. Capitol. Yup, Washington D.C. should be your first priority. If you can save that one place, eventually the whole world will listen to you.
I've decided to restart the updating of this manual, so without further ado, I'll begin.
As you probably know, the world is infested with zombies, so here are a few tips to keep you alive.
The first thing I can suggest is to never travel at night. Simply put, the dead guy is easier to see if the sun is up. Zombies don't rely on sight to locate you. There eyes, like the rest of their bodies, have already started to decay. They sense you via vibrations in the air and ground. Essentially, they'll "see" you whether it's midnight or high-noon. This doesn't make it any easier to hide from them, but at least you'll be able to see them coming.
When the sun does go down, the author would advise that you take cover inside a small structure. The author has found that the sun does indeed go down almost every night, so it would be a good idea to find a suitable shelter prior to total darkness. While a small, one-story house would be preferential, any building that you can cover all entrances will suffice. It is strongly recommended that you stay away from public buildings at night. These are incredibly difficult to thoroughly clear, and are hard to defend in the case you are besieged by a horde.