[Sassafras]

Originally Posted by AnonymousTPT Ian

Wrote a college essay and wondering what you guys think about it.
My topic was Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

During my kindergarten years i was diagnosed with Guillain-Barré syndrome. The bodies' immune system attacks the peripheral nervous system, the system responsible for the bodies conscious and unconscious activities. Creating tingling sensations or weakness in the body in its early stage. It can work its intensity up until you are almost totally paralyzed and even shut off the heart and lungs. When you go to sit down have you ever thought of being trapped inside your own body? It was the worst thing I've ever experienced but it has shaped how I grew up and given me motivation.

Not being able to move my arms or legs I was put in a hospital bed for a couple of days. I came to the conclusion that the most important thing was my education and thought process because thats all that I had left of my bodies function. Fortunately, I became able to walk with a walker and use my arms with limited movement. It is then when I began to meet the other kids in the children's section of Stony Brook Hospital. Each with their own problems I realized that I was lucky and things could be a lot worse which helped me cope with my problems. At my neurologist appointment was when I first became fascinated with medicine and the medical field. How everything you do is controlled by your brain and nerves. My slow progression helped me step up and work harder for what I wanted which included knowledge and my physical rehabilitation.

I always challenged myself. I swam for rehabilitation of my muscles until I was ready to swim competitively. The first time where I could look back and realize how far I've come from being completely paralyzed to normal again. It was the doctors in the hospital along with my neurologist that saved my life. By diagnosing me and treating me accordingly i was able to recover and become what I am today.

From what i was able to accomplish I look to the future to accomplish even bigger and better things. My interest in the medical field brings me the curiosity to find out more about the human body. As I continue to learn I hope that one day I will be able to help out people that had an illness like me or any of the children I met during my stay at the hospital.

Not bad, but fix your grammar as you have a few fragmented sentences and are missing quite a few commas.

Ex:
"The first time where I could look back and realize how far I've come from being completely paralyzed to normal again."

[corporationpaintball]

Originally Posted by AnonymousTPT Ian

Wrote a college essay and wondering what you guys think about it.
My topic was Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

During my kindergarten years i was diagnosed with Guillain-Barré syndrome. The bodies' immune system attacks the peripheral nervous system, the system responsible for the bodies conscious and unconscious activities. Creating tingling sensations or weakness in the body in its early stage. It can work its intensity up until you are almost totally paralyzed and even shut off the heart and lungs. When you go to sit down have you ever thought of being trapped inside your own body? It was the worst thing I've ever experienced but it has shaped how I grew up and given me motivation.

Not being able to move my arms or legs I was put in a hospital bed for a couple of days. I came to the conclusion that the most important thing was my education and thought process because thats all that I had left of my bodies function. Fortunately, I became able to walk with a walker and use my arms with limited movement. It is then when I began to meet the other kids in the children's section of Stony Brook Hospital. Each with their own problems I realized that I was lucky and things could be a lot worse which helped me cope with my problems. At my neurologist appointment was when I first became fascinated with medicine and the medical field. How everything you do is controlled by your brain and nerves. My slow progression helped me step up and work harder for what I wanted which included knowledge and my physical rehabilitation.

I always challenged myself. I swam for rehabilitation of my muscles until I was ready to swim competitively. The first time where I could look back and realize how far I've come from being completely paralyzed to normal again. It was the doctors in the hospital along with my neurologist that saved my life. By diagnosing me and treating me accordingly i was able to recover and become what I am today.

From what i was able to accomplish I look to the future to accomplish even bigger and better things. My interest in the medical field brings me the curiosity to find out more about the human body. As I continue to learn I hope that one day I will be able to help out people that had an illness like me or any of the children I met during my stay at the hospital.

Watch your capitalization of the "I"s within your essay, there are random lower case ones. Also- read the essay out loud to yourself, if it sounds choppy or hesitant then go back and reword the sentences. Give more detail about how it motivated you, supporting details are very important- just saying it did is not enough. You might also want to work on having better transition sentences between paragraphs. But overall it is a good essay, it's just details that need some work.

[MVPaintballer]

It does sound a bit choppy. Explain "Why", for example, "I came to the conclusion that education was important because that's all I had" sounds really forced. Let the reader assume some things.

I took the liberty of rewriting it, of how I would write it. I did it quickly, and tried not to throw in a lot of fancy vocabulary. I also through some knowledge in about the nervous system, which shows that you do actually have interest in the topic. But you wouldn't want to throw in jargon like "GBS is caused by a hyper-mediated immune response to an unknown human antigen thought to be a cross-reactive epitope with that of an acute infection" - just something simple that you and the reader will understand, not copy and pasted off of wikipedia.

Early in my life I was diagnosed with Guillian-Barré Syndrome (GBS). GBS is an autoimmune disorder affecting the peripheral nervous system. The disease has slowly progressed, from tingling to weakness to eventual paralysis, including paralysis of the heart and lungs. My body is attacking itself, but I've found the psychological ramifications can be far worse than the physiological damage.

My disease progressed. Unable to move my arms or limbs I was confined to a hospital bed. While normal kids my age were able to be children, I was concerned about suffocating in my sleep.

Rehabilitation taught me more than how to work my arms and legs. Eventually I regained mobility by use of a walker. Finally being able to escape the hospital bed, I was able to talk to some of the other people in the children's section of the hospital. I found that even though my condition is severe, I am still extremely fortunate to be given the opportunities I have. Rehabilitation is a slow and painful process. While I struggle to regain function of my limbs, my neurons start to restructure. Repeated exercises of motions strengthen the neural synapses which allow me to make those movements. Over time, and with a lot of dedication, the nervous system is able to rebuild itself to an extent.

I was fortunate to regain complete control of my body. Looking back, I think much of my recovery was due to the time I spent swimming. I practiced swimming so much that I am able to swim competitively. I was able to see direct results; the more I practiced, the better I swam.

I have realized that education is the same way. As I learn new information, my brain reorganizes so I can recall certain things better, and faster. My experience has led me to an intense interest in medicine, neurology, and immunology. The neurologists at the hospital have dedicated their lives to help people like me, and it would give me no greater pleasure than to give what I can, to the scientific and medical community.

It is with sincere gratitude that I am able to write this statement for [University name here]. It has given me time to reflect and consolidate my experience with Guillain-Barre Syndrome.

[MVPaintballer]

Originally Posted by Michael Scott

Penn State University Park

You'll get in to Penn State.

[Michael Scott]

Originally Posted by MVPaintballer

You'll get in to Penn State.

Do you still think I'll get in if I applied to the business school? I've heard its very competitive.

[_WARRIOR_ (Banned)]

Originally Posted by cww516

inb4 "what's a propective student?"

also, may as well add me. cww516 - University of Illinois as Urbana Champaign, '11 or so, Mechanical Engineering

Hey I've applied to UIUC for mechanical engineering. Number one in my class, 4.0 GPA, 36 on the ACT. You think they'll offer me much in scholarships? I'm getting in-state tuition btw.

Iowa State isn't giving much. I got in-state tuition and they're not even covering half of it.

[cww516]

i wouldn't expect a whole lot. i know there are a decent handful you can apply for, but expect them to be very competitive. UIUC has one of the best undergrad ME programs around, and they know it, so they're kinda picky on who gets let in, and are pretty willing to tell you "tough ****" if you can't afford it. you're probably in better condition to get something than i was (i was around a 3.4 or so, top 6% or so, IIRC).

you probably could have gotten in with a 2.8, 2.9 or so with that ACT, though. i did delightfully mediocre in chem and a couple of math classes, but ended up with a 33 overall, 35 science and 34 math (took it a few times), and i'm pretty sure that helped me out a bunch.

[_WARRIOR_ (Banned)]

Can you tell me what makes their program better than others?

My top 3 schools right now are Iowa State, UIUC, and Milwaukee School of Engineering. And my dad thinks I should apply to more private schools because they should give more scholarships.

[cww516]

they're consistently ranked in the top handful in the nation by whoever does rankings (U.S. news, etc.), but since i haven't gone anywhere else, i can't really comment first-hand on how it stacks up against other schools. the name is really helpful though, and there's a lot of draw for companies to come to career fairs and such, so if nothing else, it'll help as far as getting a job when you graduate.


also, they're all going to be pretty much the same up until about the second semester of sophomore year, so if you go to one school and decide to transfer, you shouldn't be too far behind. no idea what the transfer student requirements are here as far as GPA and whatnot, but i think transferring in is a shade harder than just applying outright.

[_WARRIOR_ (Banned)]

When I visited, they did tell me that it's very hard to transfer into their engineering program. I understand that they use TA's and some of them don't speak great english? Once you get into the higher level engineering courses, did you work with professors in small classes?

[cww516]

it depends on the class, really. some classes end up being a lecture only, so it's more like a lecture-discussion, around 40-50 people or so. with those, you usually end up working with the professors, with the exception of lab sections and such.

in all honesty, i think i've had more professors or TAs that i had a hard time understanding in my lower-level courses than in the higher-level stuff.

[Tippmann KiD213]

I'm undeclared at a feeder school for UF. I'm looking to get into International Business. First off, is Int Biz a demanded prospective degree nowadays? I am rather certain I wouldn't be happier doing anything else, also other than UF what great MBA programs are there nationally? I've been looking at going out of state.

[Foosheeezy (Banned)]

when applying does being decided over undecided have any effect

[Tippmann KiD213]

Um, maybe. Like I said I'm pretty certain Int Business is what I want to pursue, as well as earn my Master's in. I was looking at USCal, UTex, USCar, and UF.

[corporationpaintball]

Originally Posted by Foosheeezy

when applying does being decided over undecided have any effect

Not really, though it's very easy to change your major at any school so if you declare one on your application you will still be able to change it. During our orientation we usually get around 50 changes/declarations per session and we only have 120 people at each one so it's very common.

[pacasowithagun.v2]

Originally Posted by Tippmann KiD213

I'm undeclared at a feeder school for UF. I'm looking to get into International Business. First off, is Int Biz a demanded prospective degree nowadays? I am rather certain I wouldn't be happier doing anything else, also other than UF what great MBA programs are there nationally? I've been looking at going out of state.

Try looking going abroad for school. It is often quite a bit cheaper, a great experience, and can get you the same if not a better education.

[Bqr7]

University Of Georgia!

[ryonkee28]

Wanting to go to:
Illinois State University
UW Whitewater
Indiana
Iowa

GPA: 4.33 on a 5.0 scale
ACT: 23 (not so good planning to go to classes this summer)

Clubs:
Bass fishing Club
Varsity hockey

Really leaning towards ISU. Went on a visit and loved the campus. I also want to go into business management.

Any input?

[Millhuff9]

Originally Posted by ryonkee28

Wanting to go to:
Illinois State University
UW Whitewater
Indiana
Iowa

GPA: 4.33 on a 5.0 scale
ACT: 23 (not so good planning to go to classes this summer)

Clubs:
Bass fishing Club
Varsity hockey

Really leaning towards ISU. Went on a visit and loved the campus. I also want to go into business management.

Any input?

Youll get in no problem. My friend goes there and he applies with a 24 on act and a 2.5 gpa