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Old 05-07-2009, 10:24 AM #1
damico
 
 
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Tools Explained!

I got this off of another board that I frequent. I've had first hand experience with a lot of these.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

GREASE GUN: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Old 05-07-2009, 10:36 AM #2
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Old 05-07-2009, 10:59 AM #3
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That list is hilarious.

I actually laughed out loud several times because I can relate....a lot.

More so with the hammer and damn-it tools.
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Old 05-07-2009, 12:09 PM #4
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Haha. The wire wheel is perfect, had the bolt thing happen to me today.
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Old 05-07-2009, 12:15 PM #5
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I lol'd at engine hoist
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edit: timed it with a stop watch 12.35 seconds""

Originally Posted by Spock: "Which part of your life learning, reason and experience dictate that your status in the afterlife depends on your acceptance of a 2000 year old carpenter as your savior?"
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Old 05-07-2009, 02:29 PM #6
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Damn-it tool was lul
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Old 05-07-2009, 02:52 PM #7
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i think that's the most reading that i have ever done and actually enjoyed
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Old 05-07-2009, 03:08 PM #8
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very amusing
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Old 05-07-2009, 03:11 PM #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chevy_man2000 View Post
i think that's the most reading that i have ever done and actually enjoyed
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SmallTalk:Automobiles
""its a maxima...my car is a special edition v6 twin cam 3.5 liter...we clocked the thing in stock 1/4mile in 12 seconds without anything. the place we dragged it was on a road my friend KNEW to be a quarter mile. the specs were 235 horsepower dont ****ing tell me to get off drugs

edit: timed it with a stop watch 12.35 seconds""

Originally Posted by Spock: "Which part of your life learning, reason and experience dictate that your status in the afterlife depends on your acceptance of a 2000 year old carpenter as your savior?"
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Old 05-07-2009, 03:14 PM #10
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wut u mean i mean lyk **** readin n ****
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Old 05-07-2009, 03:25 PM #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chevy_man2000 View Post
i think that's the most reading that i have ever done and actually enjoyed
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Old 05-07-2009, 03:53 PM #12
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haha
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Old 05-07-2009, 04:09 PM #13
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I tested the strength of my clutch cable with an engine hoist. its rather strong, luckily.
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Old 05-07-2009, 06:42 PM #14
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I think I relate most to the drill press, wire wheel, and the e-z outs.
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Old 05-07-2009, 06:52 PM #15
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Hammer and pry bar. Always.

I've never hucked a tool.
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Old 05-07-2009, 07:02 PM #16
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Old 05-07-2009, 07:22 PM #17
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i prefer the "mother ****er" tool, or the sunava ***** tool.


Quote:
Originally Posted by perfectpixie2005 View Post
Haha. The wire wheel is perfect, had the bolt thing happen to me today.
because you're a ****head.
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Old 05-07-2009, 07:35 PM #18
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Damnit tool and hammer made me laugh. All so true haha
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Old 05-07-2009, 08:14 PM #19
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I stopped reading after the drill press one.

First of all, if you're using a drill press that wasn't bought at Harbor freight, that will not happen that nicely. I have had a bit grab, rip the piece out of the clamp, and come around to mutilate my hand. I've broken a finger and got stitches from it. Every single one of my grandpa's fingers are bent, twisted, or crooked. Two of them, the worst, are from drill presses grabbing. When he holds his index finger straight out, his fingernail is perpendicular with the rest of his finger because his last joint got destroyed by a drill press.

With any drill press worth its snot, that is a constant fear in the back of your head.
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Old 05-07-2009, 09:07 PM #20
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A note about drill press grab, there are slots in the table for a reason.

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TO BOLT DOWN A ****ING VICE!
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Old 05-07-2009, 09:29 PM #21
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And not everything can be jigged in a vice, which forces using a clamp. A drill press can grab something right out from under the strongest clamp.
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