Originally Posted by pbgames
Park rangers will not comment on their investigation however we have inside information that they believe someone close to Cushman may have soaked the underwear in gravy mix to attract the polar bears.
I will keep you posted as additional information becomes available.
After heading up a private investigation into the matter I believe I have found what is the best explanation. As I'm sure you will all see and agree, there is an obvious explanation for the beef gravy.
We all know that Michael Cushman has a pension for cheap and degrading sexual acts. This is only bested by his desire for large, foreign looking women. When you consider the two, with the correct approach, the reason for the gravy is obvious.
Michael, in an attempt to attract a suggestive mate, began boiling gravy. After all, gravy is a known aphrodisiac for portly women across the world. However, Cushman did now think this through.
Inuit women, known for eating raw seal meat year round, found him much to skinny for their tastes. However, after being aroused by the smell of beef gravy, the primal instincts of Cushman's "eskimo mama" took hold. Driven by grief, and an extreme hunger, his lover, named Beluga for the beloved whale of much resemblance, began to chase Michael wildly.
I'm sure we can all see where this is heading. Poor Michael Cushman was likely ran down by dog sled, upon which he was ravaged by his chubby cold weather companion. This leaves the question, where did the gravy come into play. After Cushman endured the brutal consensual sex, he was forced to soak his most private areas in the beef gravy, in an attempt to prevent rash.
Tired from a days affairs I hypothesis Cushman simply feel asleep with his boxer shorts till soaked.
While nothing has been concluded to date by the National Forest Protection Agency, or the Park Rangers Union, I believe further investigation will discover a course of events similar to the ones I have described for you.