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Old 01-03-2008, 10:20 PM #1
Pb4L2012
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Chuck Norris Jokes

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Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

There is no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just dislikes trailer parks
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:21 PM #2
Nate565
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for srsly dude?
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:21 PM #3
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Chuck Norris dgaf.
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:22 PM #4
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chuck norris is a homo
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:25 PM #5
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Chuck Norris...He uh....His roundhouse kick is.....uh...

I got nothin!
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:26 PM #6
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i'm gonna go c him satruday
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:27 PM #7
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:30 PM #8
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:37 PM #9
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Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
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Posted by Skyhighatrist:
Im jealous of azn fighters speed. Its like "damn you landed all three nicely" "i hit you 20 times supa fast stupid"
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:38 PM #10
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did you know you can trip balls off of ambien?
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:48 PM #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirtaner View Post
did you know you can trip balls off of ambien?
Been there, done that. Heard voices, sucked.
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:49 PM #12
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Careful...he might sue
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:56 PM #13
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chuck norris doesnt tea bag, he potatoe sacks
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Old 01-03-2008, 10:57 PM #14
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2005 was such a ****ty year
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Old 01-03-2008, 11:11 PM #15
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when chuck norris jumps in a pool, he doesnt get wet....the water gets chuck norris'd


yeah i just remember this one i laughed pretty hard first time i heard it.
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Old 01-03-2008, 11:20 PM #16
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**** you idiot

an armadillo is tougher than god damn chuck norris

when chuck norris gets run over his guts go everywhere

when an armadillo gets run over its guts go out of its *** and mouth
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Old 01-03-2008, 11:32 PM #17
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Old 01-03-2008, 11:33 PM #18
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chuck norris jokes:more popular than you may think
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Old 01-03-2008, 11:34 PM #19
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Hate these but:
When Chuck Norris went to give blood, he asked for a pistol and a bucket.
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Old 01-03-2008, 11:40 PM #20
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Old 01-03-2008, 11:57 PM #21
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
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