03-17-2008, 12:08 AM
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#1
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Very Varenyam
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Edmonton
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The Writer's Workshop
There seems to be a lot of creative writing threads popping up lately, people looking to be critiqued, seeking feedback and help. I thought a thread like this might be what is needed to not only help avoid clutter but to bring like-minded people together. This is a place for you to share things you have written, ideas you wish to write about, to ask for any help you think you might need, and just general discussion about the art.
Any and all forms and genres are welcome, though poetry might receive better reception in the poetry thread.
Note: Many magazines and publishers consider any online writer's workshops to negate the first rights to any piece; essentially, in their minds if you post it then it's already been published and they might not touch it (unless you lie). If you have high hopes of sending your piece in for publication and don't want to risk it then feel free to PM me or anyone else interested in doing some private critiquing (If more want to, I will add a list in this post) and we can set up some email-type thing. Whether or not first-rights violation adheres to works in progress, that is up to each and individual magazine/publisher.
People open to doing some critiques:
Citizen X
pimpdaddycane
paintswappin13
BBaller31
FreshPooky
Go Nuts.
Last edited by Citizen X : 04-06-2008 at 03:40 PM.
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03-17-2008, 12:47 AM
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#2
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I r make poem. Critique plz
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm are tired
........
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03-17-2008, 11:42 AM
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#3
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Somewhere In The Between
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I have some stuff I'd definitely want workshopped( I'll shop your's in return) but privately sounds better
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03-17-2008, 04:32 PM
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#4
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Guest
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Quote:
Originally Posted by komodo_117
I r make poem. Critique plz
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm are tired
........
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grow up?
I have the beginning of a short story I don't really care about*. I guess I can throw it up to start this thread up. Go Nuts!
*(unless you take it and publish it, then ill have to get my Private Eye relative into this :xeye: )
Quote:
Miranda worked with flowers. All her life she loved them. The petals, colors, styles, shapes, she loved everything about flowers. Her gifts to her family and even her boyfriends were always some kind of flower arrangement. Throughout her childhood, even though she moved around a lot, she would have gardens everywhere. Gardens inside, outside, on the roof, in a pond, in the light, in the shade, even hanging from her ceiling at one point. She took her obsession into college and then opened a flower store. Not a nursery, she didn’t have time to grow the plants, she just liked mixing colors and varieties. She used her passion to make the most beautiful wreaths and bouquets in all of New York City. Her business boomed, and quickly. Only the richest could afford a hand made Miranda Bouquet or Wreath. They were designer. She had orders going to important parties and homes all through the fifty states (well, nothing sent to Alaska, yet).
Miranda was moving into high-class society, almost as fast as her business. She found herself a rich boy, got an apartment overlooking Central Park, and had a greenhouse built on top of her building for her personal collection, which not even her boyfriend was allowed lay his eyes on its extravagance. She called it the garden of Gethsemane. She was happy. She would tell herself he life was complete: she wanted to die in her Garden.
Her business was expanding. One of her many secretaries suggested a website, of course in this day and age that was required, and that was done. She began working twice as much, now that she orders coming in from literally two directions. Amazingly, quality did not decrease in the least. Every job was original and more beautiful than the next. Martha Stewart would even ask her for advice now and again.
One day, Miranda was slaving away in her store. Wreath after wreath, bouquet after bouquet, and arrangement after arrangement was assembled, and shipped out. Then she pulled out on order, from the Internet that wanted a poem attached to it. Miranda’s professionally plucked eyebrow rose as she saw this. It was not at all common for party throwers and celebrities to attach a poem to a bouquet. She opened the preprinted card and read it. It was from a young man to his girlfriend, for their first anniversary. Miranda looked aside “What did Jack get me…oh yes...” she shuddered at the memory of expensive lingerie meant for his pleasure, not hers. She threw the thought out of her head and began reading the poem. A moment later, she was holding her breath and her mouth was quivering. It was only eight simple lines. But each one told so much; how much he loved her, she had saved him from something, his plans for her, that he would do anything for her. Miranda realized she was tearing. She wiped away the tears and smudged her elegant green mascara. The bouquet he ordered was only $150.00, the minimal. Miranda shook her head in generosity. Smirking to herself, she decided she would her most amazing bouquet yet.
Three hours later, and ten orders behind, she had done it. The poem compared the girl’s hair to the sun. Miranda had in front of her a sunburst of every red, orange, and yellow known to man. Miranda wrapped it in the highest quality and placed it safely in the shipping area.
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reading it again makes me sad at my late night writing skills...
Last edited by infamousaddict : 03-17-2008 at 04:37 PM.
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03-17-2008, 04:45 PM
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#5
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(yಠ,ಠ)y
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Nanaimo
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Citizen's got talent and knows his ****, for anyone worried about the validity of his critiques.
__________________
flickr
"Originally posted by paintchk2: You sir are an ***."
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03-17-2008, 11:29 PM
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#6
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Very Varenyam
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Edmonton
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Quote:
Originally Posted by komodo_117
I r make poem. Critique plz
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm are tired
........
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Your words speak to me in a way I have never experienced. Your poetic prowess makes women wet, and were I one I would let you take me in the manliest of fashions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by snowpaint
I have some stuff I'd definitely want workshopped( I'll shop your's in return) but privately sounds better
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I have none yet, as I am sitting in some small town, leeching internet off the bar out my back window and all my writings are on my webless PC. (internet comes next week...yay) As I said in the first post, go ahead and shoot me a PM if you want.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ssgaR
Citizen's got talent and knows his ****, for anyone worried about the validity of his critiques.
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I can see all of you lowly ants from the height of this podium
Again, if anyone wants to critique stories and whatnot, let me know and I'll put up a list. It would be much better for you if you had a few different people looking at your stuff.
Quote:
Originally Posted by infamousaddict
grow up?
I have the beginning of a short story I don't really care about*. I guess I can throw it up to start this thread up. Go Nuts!
*(unless you take it and publish it, then ill have to get my Private Eye relative into this :xeye: )
(STORY)
reading it again makes me sad at my late night writing skills...
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Alright, I'm going to skip the grammatical errors, because there were none that would survive a second read-through. Just some missing or wrong words here and there. Nothing major. You also seem to throw in a lot of commas, but that doesn't bother me as much as it would bother a few conceited folk.
As far as readability, this was a very fluid, breezy read. There are a few oddly structured sentences, though. They are not 'wrong' or 'bad' by any means, they were just awkward for me to read.
ex)
Quote:
One of her many secretaries suggested a website, of course in this day and age that was required, and that was done.
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It could be rephrased a little for more flow: One of her many secretaries suggested Miranda start a web site. In this day and age, something of that nature was almost required for a company to grow, and Miranda was quick to agree. The website started blah blah blah.....
*I said more flow, not really less wordy.
Sentences like this really didn't slow me down, and I never had to stop and re-read anything, so this isn't overly critical.
Aside from these minor issues, your mechanics are otherwise good. But, as you said, this is just a start. My pet peeve in anything I read is never in the mechanics of how it's written. My belief is that things like grammar and syntax - like most of writing, are without rules. They are something that can be manipulated by individual writers, shaping them into tools for their own method of storytelling.
In my opinion, though, your story is missing something very critical: conflict. Miranda has nothing running against her, no antagonist. But, since you said this is just a start to something larger, it's something you could easily add later. (Though I would still suggest bringing it up or foreshadowing it earlier in the story. Give the reader something to look forward to.) Otherwise, this feels like a synopsis for an Act 1. Miranda just needs some drama in her life.
It could even be something as simple as a correlation between the relationships of her and Jack and the costumer and his girlfriend. Or something she's dissatisfied with in her own life, and she sees that in the customer...
But it's your story and it's going in the direction you take it. You might have something different, something less 'chick-flick' about it planned. Definitely go with that.
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03-18-2008, 09:14 AM
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#7
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Guest
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Shes going to get her wish about dying in her garden by the end
and thanks for the tips on wording
Quote:
Originally Posted by Citizen X
Or something she's dissatisfied with in her own life, and she sees that in the customer...
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bingo
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03-18-2008, 01:12 PM
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#8
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Very Varenyam
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Edmonton
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Ah, well then I suppose you did throw in a little foreshadowing.
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03-18-2008, 04:49 PM
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#9
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Guest
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Yeah, I'm a lot better than this normally, but I like the concept. I challenged myself to write a story with a female protagonist
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03-18-2008, 05:37 PM
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#10
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Hey Citizen, how far are ya on my book?
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03-18-2008, 08:03 PM
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#11
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Very Varenyam
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Edmonton
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Challenging yourself is never a bad thing, Infamous.
And Komodo, I'm kind of in the middle of renovationg/painting my entire house, so my spare time is rather miniscule, I read Part 1 last night though.
so far. I'm curious, you said this was for a school project?
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03-18-2008, 09:54 PM
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#12
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Guest
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Komodo, ill look at it too if you want, I'm more of a story line analyzer than grammar and sentence guy like citizen...
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03-18-2008, 11:53 PM
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#13
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Very Varenyam
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Edmonton
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Hmm...I just checked and most of my stuff ranges from 2500-4000 words. That's quite large for a post here.
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03-19-2008, 10:52 AM
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#14
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Somewhere In The Between
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yeah most of my stuff is around that length, maybe a little shorter. just pm'd you a 3000 word one citizen
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03-19-2008, 12:51 PM
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#15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Citizen X
Challenging yourself is never a bad thing, Infamous.
And Komodo, I'm kind of in the middle of renovationg/painting my entire house, so my spare time is rather miniscule, I read Part 1 last night though.
so far. I'm curious, you said this was for a school project?
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Yup. It was supposed to have been done back in like October, buuuttt, I only got to page 15 around then.
So, the other 80 pages were done in the past 2 weeks. lol.
Quote:
Originally Posted by infamousaddict
Komodo, ill look at it too if you want, I'm more of a story line analyzer than grammar and sentence guy like citizen...
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That would be much appreciated. Shoot a PM with an email, and I'll get it to ya.
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03-19-2008, 01:03 PM
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#16
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Very Varenyam
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Edmonton
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowpaint
yeah most of my stuff is around that length, maybe a little shorter. just pm'd you a 3000 word one citizen
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Cool. I'm painting bedrooms right now, but I'll see if I can get you a critique later today.
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03-19-2008, 08:51 PM
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#17
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Wisconsin
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Im working on a story right now. Im leaving right now, but will be back in a week to participate.
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03-19-2008, 11:10 PM
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#18
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Very Varenyam
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Edmonton
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Citizen X
Cool. I'm painting bedrooms right now, but I'll see if I can get you a critique later today.
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And now it's done and PM'd back. I think my reply was longer than your story, Snow. lol.
Last edited by Citizen X : 03-19-2008 at 11:12 PM.
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03-20-2008, 07:34 PM
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#19
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Blame The Victim.
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: The Dirty Glove
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When you only have one breathe left,
but two things to say.
Do you die trying for both,
or lay silent and pray?
When the world turns pitch black,
without your love by your side.
How will she know what you wanted to say,
the moments before you died?
When you try to move on,
you realize your walking away.
How can you wait for tomorrow,
When you're losing grip of today?
__________________
Amatuer Pyrotechnician.
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
I'd rather be whacking Tangos.
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03-21-2008, 07:42 PM
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#20
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Very Varenyam
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Edmonton
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reactionkilla, I sent you a PM. And since your concept is still really early in its infancy, you should be okay posting/discussing it here. If you still don't want to take the risk, PMs are fine. Chances are, it will change by the time you complete it.
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03-22-2008, 12:18 AM
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#21
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I've got a piece if you want to take a look, PM me when you have time. I don't want to contribute to the flooding of your pm box.
thanks,
Mike
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