FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Saturday, December 23, 2012
EGO PREMIER LEAGUE 2012 CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
BOSTON M.A. – With the final tally of the Seattle Seahawks and San Francisco 49ers in, a winner has been determined in the 2012 Ego Premier League. The Jacksonville Jihad, owned by Brendan Connell, edged out Hellbenttexan, owned by that other guy whose name everyone will forget in a week’s time, in a game that seemed much closer than it really was.
There was much speculation before the game if Hellbenttexan should even show up as it was widely known that his team stood absolutely no chance in this matchup. From the opening kickoff the Jacksonville Jihad had complete and total control over the entire game. The team saw outstanding performances from the usual suspects in Aaron Rodgers and Marshawn Lynch but also saw some of the newcomers step up and play major roles in the victory. Danario Alexander and Randall Cobb lead the receiving core while Cecil Shorts had a rough week, leaving after what some would call a weak hit. Shorts received a little love tap on the last drive and whimpered as he was lead off the field by his mother and stuffed zebra Feefee.
To the surprise of many, Hellbenttexan did not even pit the slightest bit of doubt into the feels of Connell after a sub-par performance on Sunday. Coming into the nightcap, BC was faced with a slight hump to overcome in order to secure victory. He was asked before the game if he had any doubt about his teams’ ability to get the job done Sunday night and he answered, “Do you even lift bro, DO YOU EVEN LIFT?” It was proved that he does in fact, lift. It showed to be with good reason that he had no doubt, as it was only a matter of minutes before the gap was closed by the animal that is Marshawn Lynch. It was smooth sailing from there as Hellbenttexan’s pitiful hopes and dreams came crashing down at the end of the night. Official statement from Mr. Connell to follow…
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
God dammit. I am so ****ing awesome. I really am, but that’s enough about me. Before I go on with the speech and accepting this fine piece of hardware I want to thank a few people. I’d first like to thank the big man upstairs, Rick, I couldn’t do it without you buddy. He pushed and motivated me through the darkest of times and was always there when I called upon him for advice whether it be what to have for dinner, when to shave my pubic hair, or how to deal with the various exploits in my sex life. I would like to thank my parents, brother, and sister. I want to make sure to address my fellow league members, as far below me in status as you may be, I couldn’t do it without you plebs. I want to start off by addressing my opponent tonight, Hellbenttexan. You played a hard fought match, however it was not enough. You had a mediocre season and I credit you for your effort however you and your feeble excuse for a team choked come the big game and therefore you lose any credit I had thus awarded you. BOSS, Christian, you may have been a prissy little retarded person at times, but you’re my prissy little retarded person and motivated me to do bigger and better things and thus achieving this ultimate destiny set forth. I also want to thank the cashier girl at Dominos, Kayla. Eric, you are a Texan and you have guns, I will make no attempts to slander your name in this speech, however I did better than you, and therefore there is no denying I am a better person than you. Farhan I hate you, plain and simple. Everyone else was a non-factor and you were in no way significant on this journey of mine, you should feel horrible about your lives. Good night.
Jacksonville Jihad, CEO/President