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Old 04-14-2012, 01:57 PM #1
PaperPaintball
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Two Songs I wrote. Feedback would be nice!

“Me and you without Him”



As a watch the red creep into the blue

I take a deep breath and prepare for takeoff



Like the first time a caterpillar realizes it can fly

When an explorer finds new land

Jumping out of a plane with no parachute

Having a bomb strapped to your chest and the clock reads zero

Ascending to the heavens by a celestial being



Laying on the ground with joy coursing through our veins

We look deep into each other’s eyes with a smile

And my deepest fears are instantaneously dissolved

Was I created to share this one moment with her



The coming sun reminds that nothing last forever

We share a kiss, and say our goodbyes

I retire to my room where I discover I have depleted my supplies



Like having each eyelid cut off

Each tooth pulled one by one

Being thrown into barbwire

Set ablaze by the one you loved most

Being told, “I don’t know you”



“Never again! Save me! Save us!"

But for now, for now

I’ll put on a fake smile for you, dear

Cuz I think if you give me with Him a chance

We could recreate the genuine love and transcend the void

We could look forward to the coming sun


“Give Love”



the lonely child wandered through the park

as momma was busy criticizing her gay cousin on the phone with her sister who’s been married five times, and has a bad back that demands pain pills, or so she claims

the child gently approached the swing set, and his kind words were ignored by the obese girl who’s parents instilled in her that you get what you want, when you want it

“why won’t she let me swing?” he wondered

next he approached monkey bars, and began to climb

untop the bars sat a confused boy who’s daddy comes home late and drinks all night

he pushed the poor child aside, and declared “these are mine! These are mine!” and shoved him off with no regard

head held low, the child began to think, think that this world is cruel

but wait, nobody was on the slide, this was surely his chance to have fun

he cautiously made his way over to slide and climbed the steps all the way to the top

he looked up into the sky, and blinded by the light was he

a second later he shoved down the slide head first by the boy who’s parents who abandoned him as a child and is being raised by his dieing grandmother who despises color.

Head first down the slide, into the sand, he got up, teary eyed and declared…

“nobody cares about me! Nobody cares about me!”

So he ran, and he ran, and he ran



the first Power of all powers and first Cause of all causes

Set into motion all atrocities and beauty

He watches it unfold and smiles

All is perfect, He insists

He has more in store for those that love

All others will be purified with the fire that spoke to Moses



See the beauty in the hate

Love those that discriminate

Find a friend in the foe

It surely will make you grow



And those that know there is no knowing demand

Give love!, Give love!, Give love!
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Old 04-15-2012, 11:49 PM #2
yuik
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This was pretty good Until " I dOnt know you". What the **** ! I feel like that totally ruined the vibe and tempo you achieved ...

I didn't even read the second one

D- would not recommend to my friends
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Old 04-16-2012, 12:59 AM #3
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The second one is oretty funny lol
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Old 04-16-2012, 01:04 AM #4
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Went back and read the second one , was funny B+ but keep challenging yourself to achieve excellence
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Old 04-16-2012, 10:49 PM #5
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Originally Posted by yuik View Post
This was pretty good Until " I dOnt know you". What the **** ! I feel like that totally ruined the vibe and tempo you achieved ...

I didn't even read the second one

D- would not recommend to my friends
the "i dont know you" is actually the most powerful line.

it's a reference from the Bible. When men go to heaven and make their claim as to why they should be allowed in heaven, and Jesus tells them "I don't know you", condemning them to an eternity in hell.
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Old 04-16-2012, 11:36 PM #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PaperPaintball View Post
the "i dont know you" is actually the most powerful line.

it's a reference from the Bible. When men go to heaven and make their claim as to why they should be allowed in heaven, and Jesus tells them "I don't know you", condemning them to an eternity in hell.
So if I'm understanding correctly, you're comparing a woman directly to Jesus? Isn't that sacrilegious or something?
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Old 04-17-2012, 12:03 AM #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PaperPaintball View Post
the "i dont know you" is actually the most powerful line.

it's a reference from the Bible. When men go to heaven and make their claim as to why they should be allowed in heaven, and Jesus tells them "I don't know you", condemning them to an eternity in hell.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClawScrewdriver View Post
So if I'm understanding correctly, you're comparing a woman directly to Jesus? Isn't that sacrilegious or something?
ok now im really confused
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Old 05-18-2012, 09:18 PM #8
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for some reason, the first song reminded me of Major Tom.
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