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Old 03-14-2008, 11:57 PM #43
As a Young Man
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Originally Posted by infamousaddict View Post
I'm not much of a criticizer poetry wise, but this is really, really, good.
thanks
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Old 04-25-2008, 12:20 AM #44
Mps2216
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Hey how’s it going
or hello good morning.
What does it mean to me
probably even less to she
a quaint word might suffice,
or a sup ***** to roll the dice

Courtesy, you horseman need die
damn your whip which insists reply
as the body urges forward,
the mind mulls awkward

fine fine I concede you two,
Hey thanks, how are you
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Old 04-26-2008, 07:15 PM #45
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I really enjoy reading Raph's critiques.
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Old 04-26-2008, 09:08 PM #46
komodo_117
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mps2216 View Post
Hey how’s it going
or hello good morning.
What does it mean to me
probably even less to she
a quaint word might suffice,
or a sup ***** to roll the dice

Courtesy, you horseman need die
damn your whip which insists reply
as the body urges forward,
the mind mulls awkward

fine fine I concede you two,
Hey thanks, how are you
I don't know jack **** about poetry, but I did like the rhythm and vibe of that a lot.

It seems almost eccentric, but staying eloquent and able to relate to.

I likey.

Yes, likey is a word. Eat my *******.
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Old 04-27-2008, 10:51 AM #47
FreshPooky
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That poem was elegant yet very likey sir...submit it to the New Yorker.

Haha just kidding man.
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Old 04-28-2008, 09:35 AM #48
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Originally Posted by As a Young Man View Post
and I laugh at it.
I can’t work.
am I broken?
wouldn’t surprise the folks
to find that out.
what is unsound?

too weak to sleep
I cease.
I'll begin by saying that I think it's extremely difficult to write good short poems. To sufficiently convey a feelings/meaning/etc. in under 10 lines requires some pretty unbelievable skills in word economy, (petals on a wet black bough.)

This piece seems to try to convey a feeling of desperation/weakness. It's completely conversational in tone, which is also pretty difficult to pull off--even more so in a short poem.

I like your choice of enjambment. It's not overly complicated, it simply seems to pace the poem. When it breaks the line like, "wouldn't surprise the folks/to find that out" I think it serves to give the poem a gaspy feeling, which works for me.
I notice that you're choosing not to capitalize anything other than the personal I. I don't really pull anything from that.

One thing that doesn't work for me is the overall vagueness of the piece. It's difficult to get much out of it. If you're simply trying to convey a feeling, a setting snapshot or a simple metaphor might serve you well. Example: a red wagon stuck in the mud on a dreary day; fallen birch trees, etc. It would serve the piece well to ground the reader.

One technique which I've found can add some depth to a short poem, is to use the few lines you have to describe a situation which implies an uncertain outcome. An example would be to describe a woman of a questionable profession holding a man's wallet while he sleeps in a motel bed. Maybe that woman has a pair of handcuffs or this man's wife's phone number, etc. It's a mediocre example, but I think you get the idea.

I'm not really sure what the last line of the first stanza does for the poem. "what is unsound?"
My reply to the question is, "I dunno." It comes off as trying to be overly cryptic/complex. Unless I'm missing something, I don't know that there is anything called "unsound". I simply don't know that that line adds to the piece.

I dislike the last stanza. It strikes me as cliche/used.

Overall, I enjoyed the tone, as well as the way you choose to enjamb a couple of the lines. But I feel that the poem is sparce in content and that it contains some tired lines.
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Old 05-02-2008, 09:54 PM #49
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This was kind of on the whim and written on top of a TruGreen Lawncare ad (which is where some of the imagery came from) with Horkheimer's and Husserl's views on totalitarianism on my mind

DandyLions are Flowers too!
Men in Hats are racists
and adulterers in khaki slacks.
But their chemicals taste like
Home-Cooking
Straight from the ground we sow,

my mother brings them to bed
She likes being used.

Father never comes home
we killed him long ago.

Now we obey, destroying
what they deem inadequate
At least the grass is green
and soft against my back
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Old 05-02-2008, 10:06 PM #50
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As darkness floods,
the way narrows.
I cannot seem to free myself
from the spell that entrances me.

Ignoring my entreaties,
it refuses to free me.
I'm enticed by the soft words
of the one who keeps me.

I'm loosing coherency,
loosing the very essence of me.
With the darkness comes fervency.

My struggle is futile.
I hang on to my last gleam of hope.
My thoughts intertwine like a kaleidoscope.
I let go knowing that despite my entreaties,
I never lost who I was, I never lost me.
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Old 05-19-2008, 10:18 PM #51
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I thought your Roman Traveling poem was an interesting read JP. It gave a different perspective of it all.
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Old 05-20-2008, 12:19 AM #52
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JP: I like the descriptions you gave, especially this one:

wild cats riding jack hammers
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Old 05-20-2008, 12:24 AM #53
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You're the only one who loves me =].

When I'm published and making no money from it, you get my first collaboration (which I'll probably buy myself just to get some royalties).
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The geometry of innocent flesh on the bone
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At Delilah, who sits worthlessly alone,
But the tears on her cheeks are from laughter.
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Old 05-20-2008, 12:35 AM #54
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I really like how the words flow, but its not rhymey. Very good visualization, I liked the Roman Traveling as well, because I love traveling. I'm not really into poetry but this is good stuff, I might try to write sometime.

edit - @ JP

Last edited by bubba0315 : 05-20-2008 at 12:39 AM.
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Old 05-20-2008, 12:38 AM #55
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Jpizzle, you have a really good voice, it's very distinct and pretty unique, keep it up.
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Old 05-20-2008, 12:41 AM #56
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JPizzle View Post
At this pace, it will only take 2 weeks, haha. Here's another one I just punched in:


Reflections
You look into the silver coated frame
protecting your mini version
reciting associated memory
You were two, mom told you
just watched Superman
and thought you could fly
Concussions make for good pictures
just ask football players
Now you remain land locked
change not always good
The gut no longer baby fat
protrudes while hairline recesses
Recess missed when
rising from couch
sores the potatoes
Reality provided by 6x6 cubix cubicle
plugging away at your PC
maybe you need the plug
Electricity for energy
any different from 8 coffees
Free to act as your computer
programmed life
One of a kind as a dollar bill
shared desires
all wanted for themselves
Like cars on the freeway
same destination utter obstruction
how’s that for harmony
TRAFFIC AHEAD NEXT 10 YEARS
Blocking peace and happiness
a loving relationship
and a perfect home
You can just watch it on T.V.
Wow, I really liked this one. Again with the visualization.. You're a great writer.
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Old 06-05-2008, 07:57 PM #57
firecracker91
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I'm new to poetry and im trying to get into it. so with that said here's one of my first poems in the works:

As these summer days approach
I question my life
I know that you're my weakness
how can I say no to you
you're perfection nothing less
Soft to the touch
but rough to the hands
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Old 06-05-2008, 08:09 PM #58
JPizzle
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Quote:
Originally Posted by firecracker91 View Post
I'm new to poetry and im trying to get into it. so with that said here's one of my first poems in the works:

As these summer days approach
I question my life
I know that you're my weakness
how can I say no to you
you're perfection nothing less
Soft to the touch
but rough to the hands
I like the closing.
You need to lay some concrete once you build a foundation. Show the summer days approaching, with the mercury overflowing like a geyser, with the pools taking the role of schools, even a TV programming change or something, which could transition you into your line of questioning. Everybody questions their lives. Instead of making the reader think of their own let us read yours and get some insight. Let the girl be the answer, but tell us more than her. How is she perfect? Do her eyes glow with the setting sun? Can you dive deeper into them than the pool? Does her breath cool you down after the steaming day? What do you mean by weakness? You seem to imply that she has some sort of control. Can she do this simply by looking at you? By the slightest touch? Do you not even need words when with her? One of the pinnacles of all writing is SHOW DON'T TELL. With poetry you do this with almost the least possible words (think almost a geometry proof). It's about cutting away all the leaves to bring true beauty to the bush. Then it's glorifying language and granting a whole new life to it.
Hope that helps .
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At Delilah, who sits worthlessly alone,
But the tears on her cheeks are from laughter.
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Old 06-05-2008, 11:47 PM #59
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Interesting read JP...I lol'd at the first line of "Heiress House"
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Old 06-08-2008, 04:25 AM #60
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alright well I had a ruff spot in a past relationship and this was somewhat inspired by it. be as ruff as you can and pick me apart lol. I'm working on a few pieces of my own.

I Wish I Was a Stoic

Without remorse.
A course being of solitude.
Such am I.
The feelings;
they run from me
as ink to parched paper.
What is it to feel?
I ask you
fellow philosophers of
the trivial tribulations
of a life once lost.
What is it to truthfully
feel and know that
your feelings do not
lack the motivation of a malignant
character.
I thought just as you,
that I felt.
I felt all of
the ramifications of
such rambling emotion.
Then I watched the life leave her eyes.
I
felt
NOTHING.
I walk with a gun
by my hip.
Sending bullets of
faithlessness searing through the hearts
of the masses.
9 millimeter vengeance seeker.
Forgive me Jesus,
or should I call you
by another name.
The love once felt
escapes me.
Chastised.
I am an empty chalice,
with a hole in the side.
So I ask you again,
dearest brothers and sisters.
Great minds.
Warm hearts.
Perplexed smiles
upon an overactive
tear duct.
Wiping the tears off
of our lips,
so we can force a fake smile
at the content
as they intrude.
I ask again:
what is it to feel?
Justification.
It is a rationalization
to deal with
societies input.
Belligerent ramblings.
Uncompromising fortitude.
Felling is just justification.
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Old 06-22-2008, 12:02 AM #61
JPizzle
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IllKilla07 View Post
alright well I had a ruff spot in a past relationship and this was somewhat inspired by it. be as ruff as you can and pick me apart lol. I'm working on a few pieces of my own.

I Wish I Was a Stoic

Without remorse.
A course being of solitude.
Such am I.
The feelings;
they run from me
as ink to parched paper.
What is it to feel?
I ask you
fellow philosophers of
the trivial tribulations
of a life once lost.

What is it to truthfully
feel and know that
your feelings do not
lack the motivation of a malignant
character.
I thought just as you,
that I felt.
I felt all of
the ramifications of
such rambling emotion.
Then I watched the life leave her eyes.
I
felt
NOTHING.
I walk with a gun
by my hip.
Sending bullets of
faithlessness searing through the hearts
of the masses.
9 millimeter vengeance seeker. /
Forgive me Jesus,
or should I call you
by another name.

The love once felt
escapes me.
Chastised.
I am an empty chalice,
with a hole in the side.
So I ask you again,
dearest brothers and sisters.
Great minds.
Warm hearts.
Perplexed smiles

upon an overactive
tear duct.
Wiping the tears off
of our lips,
so we can force a fake smile

at the content
as they intrude.
I ask again:
what is it to feel?
Justification.
It is a rationalization
to deal with
societies input.
Belligerent ramblings.
Uncompromising fortitude.
Felling is just justification.
red=
I like how you build on the feelings but never actually divulge them. It makes us more curious and feel the plight even more since we relate it to our own. Though this ambiguity is good, more of it exists throughout the poem. It's possible you intentionally worded it like this, but doubtful. I can tell you have a pretty good voice but don't have much experience writing poetry. Do some reading and some thinking because you have potential.

By the way, you definitely worded it well. I can appreciate the flow and beauty of the language; now get some meaning behind it!
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The geometry of innocent flesh on the bone
Causes Galileo's math book to get thrown
At Delilah, who sits worthlessly alone,
But the tears on her cheeks are from laughter.
F L O R I D A S T A T E
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Old 06-22-2008, 04:35 PM #62
FreshPooky
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Great thread so far guys. I'll post when I get this next piece finished.
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Old 06-24-2008, 06:50 PM #63
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My musings about my music teacher, who passed away a year and a half ago and never saw me make it into jazz band.
Exhale

*Inhale*
I can feel it.
It's shooting through my veins
flooding me
like water from a fire hose.
Giving me focus and a
special kind of hyper
awareness
as
things
slow
d o w n.

*Exhale*
Time is of the essence.
Time IS the essence
the foundation
the basis of everything that happens
on this stage. Dictating ebb and
flow and color and emotion.
The fruit of my labors.

*Inhale*

How did i get here
at this moment
on this stage
what successive string of decisions and
events and circumstances brought
me to center stage
Would she be proud of me if she could see
me sitting here waiting for the baton to dro-

*Exhale*
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